not so blogger-ific

Sorry blog,
i have almost abandoned you..
i brought you into my life to go somewhere to let my fingers do the all talking, for things i couldn't say out loud.
im all bottled up.
completely unmotivated.
i used to travel from page to page of random people.. wondering aimlessly..
fantasizing about things (crafts, interior design, weddings, etc) that i wanted to do so badly in my future.
a future i could have put my life savings on.
but im here to inform you Mr. Blog,
my future is a fog.
all i see are dim headlights coming towards me
and i dont know if i should swerve...  or just floor it and hope for the best
but honestly..
i dont even care to put my foot on the gas.
im def not as motivated as i thought i was going to be.
i took a big step..
but i dont know if i just keep telling myself that its all ok..
or am i just done.

i need Jesus.
Thank you Blog,
for being here.. in the world wide web of wonderer's

for the love of god.
stew

Its my party.. ill cry if i want too.

My birthday is just around the corner..
and im SUPER excited.
Im having a real birthday party this year!
last time i had a party i think i was 16..
this one should be good!!
chy and i are going to decorate and make cupcakes!!
I cant wait to be with all of my closes friends
having a birthday bonanza!

if you are wondering...
these are a few items on my bday wish list.



ive been wanting an old film camera for awhile..
they are all over craigslist.. but i just cant break it to myself to get one...



a water flosser...
this thing it great! it flosses below your gum line..
looove it.



my tattoo on my foot..  not this one ^^ exactly but you get the point...
kit was supposed to get me a tattoo when i turned 22...  i will be turning 24.. and no tat.



concealer at sephora..  love it..

Honesty is the best policy

Lately ive felt a little down and out... with myself.
my personality.
ive been questioning if im a more positive or negative towards myself or anyone else..
Have you ever met those people who just have positive feed back no matter what comes out of there mouth?
they could meet a cereal killer and say something nice about them!
I wish i could do that?!
So i would say that im not on that level of positive.
Negativity is just something that i dont think one chooses to be..
but just happens to come out a lot when they have no filter <<< ME
 So as i sat and weighed my options on which one I THINK I AM..
i would say that i\ lean more to the negative.. but negative in the sense that im honest.
People just dont like to hear the truth, so in the sense what they dont like to hear leads to the negative.
Never do i ever say things intentionally to hurt peoples feeling.. you ask ill tell you.
Being positive isnt being over minded by the negative just needs to exceed through the filter more.
but one of the characteristics that i like in myself the most is my humor.
i like that no matter when, what, where and who i try to make the best out of any situation with humor.
positive= humor
negative= honesty

welcome to math class.
Amber

Alive and Kickin

Im sorry grandma for never really getting to meet you, 

im sorry grandma that i could never be there,

Im sorry grandma that everytime i did come.. you had to be reminded who i was,

and that i was "Jeffs Daughter".

You raised 11 beautiful children, a family im more than proud to be a part of. 

You cherished your Jesus and he finally came to you. 

You are a Saint and beautifully devoted woman!

99 years old, i thought you would be here forever, and the next time i came to visit you would be there, saying your prayers.

I love you grandma, 

i love what beauty had brought from your passing!

sobbing,

stew

too many things to say at once.

First and forth most!!..  I Passed both of my boards..
Huge weight off my shoulder!!
It definitely put me in the right state of mind,
which i probably needed.
Kit passed his one and only test he will probably take this year..
So we are going to CELEBRATE!
little din din, maybe i will make him go ice skating.. we shall see.
((pssh i did a little celebrating myself and went shopping ))

Also, as i posted before that kit and i had pictures taken..  finally got them on CD style..
they are beautiful and i couldnt have asked for anything more special to me..

Now if i could just choose the ones i liked it would perfect..   but i like them all!!

Jolly Ol' Saint Stew

b o a r d s

I only have 3 more weeks until my first set of boards..
this is intense.
im nervous
im having terrible dreams about them.
i wish i was just a genius and wouldnt sweat it.
im not.. and i sweat just thinking about it.
ive been studying and reading any free time i do have.
which isnt a lot...
Super excited for thanksgiving break..
it will give me time to relax and actually take it all in..
baahh..
this hurts my brain

c you next tuesday,
Amber

..reflection.

a reflection..
of myself..
there i stand in my backyard.. holding a beer... dog by my side..
i stood there for 15 min.. just looking at me..
just thinking of who i became/become..
im here.
thats me.
this is my life.
am i who i thought i was going to be?
no.
i want to be a free bird..
i want the best of me to show at any given time of day.
is this it?
is this who im going to be?
not saying that who i am is bad..
its just a part of me wants more to life... wants more to me....
am i worried?
no.
i like who i am..
i dont like what i see in the mirror sometimes (95% of the time)...
i think i get that from my dad..    wait.. my father.
im starting to cry..
i wear my heart on my sleeve....   i dont know where else it belongs..
this blog is hard for me..
but i need to release...
i have a lot going for me.. i know i do..   but why do i want so much more?
because im ungrateful?
or because im that outgoing that i need the taste of life at my fingertips everyday/second of my life?
i love him... i love him more than anything..
i wish he would just let me in....  completely.. whole heartedly.. just in.. and not be so scared.
im still crying.
crying for what? 
crying because im scared?
scared of what!?
that my life is actually coming together and i dont know how to come of it?
am i unapproachable?
can i just say that nobody calls me just to see how my day went...
I call my friends... nobody calls me.
i may not call frequently.. but i call/text.. enough.. enough to show you i care. enough to let you know im still here and will be for the rest of our lives..
it hurts.. it hurts pretty badly.. ill come out and say it..
it actually makes me feel like poo poo that nobody besides my mom and boyfriend cares enough to just call or text me to see how my day/weekend/week/month/period went.
i just wish i had something else to look forward too..
thats harsh..
i shouldnt be typing this... but ive had some beers.. and its going to happen..
but seriously..
do you guys see me as i see you?
my best friends..
my BEST friends..
see me........... as i see you? wouldnt trade you bitches for all the gold in the world!
my moms considered one of my best friends..
shes all i had to hold on too my ENTIRE life..
shes my rock.. i have no idea who/where/what i would be without that red headed b word.
mom- i wish i could tell you that every day
yet.. still crying
i have no idea WHY im still typing.. NO IDEA.
but im ok with it..
this is just a reflection of who i am.. at this very moment..
im proud of me. super proud...
i go to school.. i work hard.. i live hard.. i love hard
life is hard.. and im doing it
im me.
i dont know when ill be able to truly understand me..
i think this is why im typing all of this crap.. but i need it..
because just doing this makes me realize all the love and hope i have in my life..
and knowing that what im doing on this earth isnt a waste..
its one hell of a life.


--Amber (mascara face) Stewart