of myself..
there i stand in my backyard.. holding a beer... dog by my side..
i stood there for 15 min.. just looking at me..
just thinking of who i became/become..
im here.
thats me.
this is my life.
am i who i thought i was going to be?
no.
i want to be a free bird..
i want the best of me to show at any given time of day.
is this it?
is this who im going to be?
not saying that who i am is bad..
its just a part of me wants more to life... wants more to me....
am i worried?
no.
i like who i am..
i dont like what i see in the mirror sometimes (95% of the time)...
i think i get that from my dad.. wait.. my father.
im starting to cry..
i wear my heart on my sleeve.... i dont know where else it belongs..
this blog is hard for me..
but i need to release...
i have a lot going for me.. i know i do.. but why do i want so much more?
because im ungrateful?
or because im that outgoing that i need the taste of life at my fingertips everyday/second of my life?
i love him... i love him more than anything..
i wish he would just let me in.... completely.. whole heartedly.. just in.. and not be so scared.
im still crying.
crying for what?
crying because im scared?
scared of what!?
that my life is actually coming together and i dont know how to come of it?
am i unapproachable?
can i just say that nobody calls me just to see how my day went...
I call my friends... nobody calls me.
i may not call frequently.. but i call/text.. enough.. enough to show you i care. enough to let you know im still here and will be for the rest of our lives..
it hurts.. it hurts pretty badly.. ill come out and say it..
it actually makes me feel like poo poo that nobody besides my mom and boyfriend cares enough to just call or text me to see how my day/weekend/week/month/period went.
i just wish i had something else to look forward too..
thats harsh..
i shouldnt be typing this... but ive had some beers.. and its going to happen..
but seriously..
do you guys see me as i see you?
my best friends..
my BEST friends..
see me........... as i see you? wouldnt trade you bitches for all the gold in the world!
my moms considered one of my best friends..
shes all i had to hold on too my ENTIRE life..
shes my rock.. i have no idea who/where/what i would be without that red headed b word.
mom- i wish i could tell you that every day
yet.. still crying
i have no idea WHY im still typing.. NO IDEA.
but im ok with it..
this is just a reflection of who i am.. at this very moment..
im proud of me. super proud...
i go to school.. i work hard.. i live hard.. i love hard
life is hard.. and im doing it
im me.
i dont know when ill be able to truly understand me..
i think this is why im typing all of this crap.. but i need it..
because just doing this makes me realize all the love and hope i have in my life..
and knowing that what im doing on this earth isnt a waste..
its one hell of a life.
--Amber (mascara face) Stewart
